Graduate 109: Exhilaration

I had a funny experience during my prayer time, Monday morning. As I woke up and began to think about my day, I realized that I had a lot to do; a lot to do and potentially more than I could handle. I needed to write up and e-mail a piece before noon for my Plato class. In order to do that I had to finish reading an article and review the dialogue that we were working with. I had class (Moral Responsibility) at two o'clock and needed to finish composing my notes and review the two articles that we would be treating in that session. There was also the possibility of a lunch meeting that might fill up two hours of my precious time. I wasn't sure that I could spare the time, but I didn't want to outright cancel the meeting. The meeting might happen in Riverside or it might happen in Covina; I wasn't sure at that point. And I also hadn't finished the reading for my Tuesday Epistemology class and wouldn't necessarily have a lot of time after Monday's class to finish reading it.

As I thought about these things, I could feel that sense of dread welling up in the pit of my stomach--worry about whether I would get everything done, fear that I would let someone down, doubt about my ability to take care of everything. So I began to pray; and I prayed that God would take care of everything on my to-do list, that he would provide the time and focus and energy and resources to accomplish what needed to be accomplished, that he would take care of the entire situation and that he would help me to be content with the results. And as I prayed, I still had that feeling of dread, but another sensation began to grow in me, that was entirely unexpected--a feeling of... exhilaration.

Why would I feel exhilaration? Because that is exactly where I wanted to be--in over my head and completely dependent upon God's grace to sustain me.

Don't get me wrong--I still had that sense of dread. Even moreso because it's scary to hand everything over to God's hands, because as soon as I let go, it may all come crashing down around me. If I hand everything over to God, He's then free to fix it up the way I had in mind or to chuck it all out the window if it suits Him. And I have to be content and accept that that result is the best. That's why it's scary.

But why is it exciting? Because if I choose to embrace (rather than just accept) God's plan and choice and decisions, then I've opened myself up to a world full of supernatural possibilities that are utterly beyond me and quite unattainable by my own strength. When we surrender our lives to God and he takes and chucks it all out the window (all the things that we thought were so precious and valuable), its only to make room for something even better. How utterly terrifying! How positively exhilarating!

I got just a small taste of that, Monday morning, as I prayed. I was scared to death and I was so excited. And God did take care of me. Monday and Tuesday--everything was taken care of (even better than I could have hoped). The question is: Will I trust Him next time? Will you?

That morning, this is what I wrote in my journal:

"As I pray, it occurs to me: the most important thing about this day is not my class. It is not my potential meeting or anything I might or might not do. The most important thing about this day is that God is on the throne. It's not my social calendar, not my assignment calendar, not my actions or activities or interactions. And how easy it is to go about setting a list of priorities and neglect the truth that the first priority and truth is one that I need not bring about but is true quite apart from me--God is on the throne. God is in this place. And that changes everything."

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God is in this place,
And that reality, seen and understood by the grace of God in Christ Jesus through the work of the Holy Spirit, makes all the difference in the world.